There's A Big Ass Great White Being Tracked Off The South Jersey Coast

Philly.com – Mary Lee’s a great white shark, arguably the most feared and most misunderstood animal on the planet, and just after 8 a.m. Thursday, the electronic tag that has been tracking her since 2012 “pinged” about 10 miles off the coast of Cape May County, between North Wildwood and Stone Harbor. At 1:04 p.m., Mary Lee pinged again, this time about 12 miles off the coast a little farther north, right on the border of Avalon and Sea Isle City. It’s important to be level-headed about the realities of shark attacks and . . . da duh, da duh . . . forget that. Mary Lee’s as big as a damn Volkswagen Beetle with a grill full of double-edged steak knives. It’s time to freak out. The experts agree.

And that’s that. Time to close the beaches before Memorial Day even begins. I value my neck for a lot more than a dip in the ocean, Chief. The last thing I need is to hop in the water to cool down and/or piss and have to worry about 3,456 pound Great White sharks. You already have to keep the head on a swivel for kids and grown men 25 years too old for the Boogie Board. Those fuckers are essentially out of control missiles after catching that gnarly 3 foot wave. That’s not even including the floating needles and dead bodies if you’re ballsy enough to swim in Wildwood. So shut it down and take care of the problem before someone gets hurt. There’s no need to continue to ignore this problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass.

Also, whoever named that Great White “Mary Lee” deserves a raise. I don’t care if their as much as a Marine Biologest as George Costanza, you toss out an under-the-radar Quint from Jaws reference like that, you’re a winner in life. I think.

PS – You can track Mary Lee here without even needing all that fancy fish equipment your parents bought you, Hooper. This piece of sharktits has been to Bermuda more times (once) than I’ll ever be fortunate enough to go.